Oh procrastination, it's one of the many reasons why I know I will never be a CEO or President of the United States, contrary to what my grandfather always told me (sorry Bumpa!). Procrastination and the fact that I hate mornings (apparently being a morning person is key for a successful career....at least according to all the Yahoo! articles I read when I should be working on something productive). The worst part of procrastination is the guilt, that tiny voice in the back of your mind constantly listing all the things you should be doing instead of clicking on the next YouTube video. I wonder if Hillary YouTubes.....
As you can tell, I am feeling uninspired at the moment by my school work. Don't get me wrong, so far I am interested in the classes I have taken, but I have been working on the same Maritime Economics paper for the last three days and one can only think about supply and demand for so long until they start to question consumerism and the foundations of our current global economy.
No, this is not what my paper is really on but it is where my mind often drifts when I think about economics and the state of the world.
For example, the amount of stuff I have amazes me. I mean, let's think about it, for the last 6 or so years I have essentially been living out of a suitcase. You would think this would have caused me to downsize my life substantially when in reality I seem to buy more and more of the same things over and over again. I am looking around my room right now and I have so many little things scattered around things that do not do anything but help me to feel more settled and at "home." In Norway and in Spain, I bought similar odds and ends, items which I left in those respective places because I couldn't/didn't want to travel with them. When I worked for Great Lakes, I had two totes that I basically shipped from one location to the next, completely full of little things that made me feel more at "home." Whenever I move to a different location, I always unpack immediately, no matter what the time of night. I guess when you move around a lot, it is the little things that matter, but I also find it contradictory in a way. I mean, I love to move to different places and live in different cities, but yet I also have a strong desire to feel "settled" as soon as I get there.
The first month here in London was so annoying for me because I was living out of a suitcase. However, I contrast that to when I was here last January for a month, living out of a suitcase. I was not bothered at all! Why? I guess that's the difference between "traveling" and "moving" for me. If I consider myself "traveling,"I can endlessly live out of suitcase because I know it is all temporary, and I want to be out of my comfort zone. However, when I am "moving," I need to get unpacked and find my own space as quickly as possible, establish a place that is "me" which I can disappear to and decompress if I am ever feeling overwhelmed, lonely, or unsure. The same feelings that I welcome when I am traveling, I hate when I move to a new place because it all seems to be how I am defining it to myself............Whoa, that was quite the stream of consciousness that developed from my initially not wanting to work on my economics paper. I love analyzing myself though! I find it especially fascinating when I realize that behavior that I find so annoying in other people is something that I also do myself.
Since my last post I have moved into my own flat close to school in between the Shoreditch and Angel areas of central London. I only have one flat mate, an Italian fellow named Francesco, who I had only met once before moving in when I looked at the flat. He's clean, which is great, and takes initiative when it comes to getting things for the flat, which is also great. Honestly, after living with many, many people, that is all I need in a flat mate, some one that cleans their plates and buys toilet paper and soap every once in a while. I know, it doesn't seem like much to ask but you'd be surprised....... I really love this area, there is so much within walking distance that I hardly ever have to take public transport. Also, I'm right next to a canal which is nice to run along (whenever I feel inspired) rather than running along the streets. However it is November now, and after daylights savings, the sun now sets at 4:30 PM. No bueno. I hate short days....and it hardly helps that London weather is in full effect with cloudy, rainy days almost every day. I find myself getting stir crazy and really, really, missing Spain. However it is comforting to know that in about a month, I will be flying home for Christmas. I hope Texas dries up some by the time I get there!
This past weekend was amazing though, sunny and crisp. I tagged along with Nadia and her buddies to the Isle of Wight for the weekend and for a much needed escape from the city. We were only there from Saturday morning till late Sunday but in that time we played rugby on the beach, watched Australia lose the rugby World Cup among some sad Australians, dressed up for Halloween, realized we were the only people dressed up for Halloween, danced to 80s and 90s music played by young bartenders dressed as KISS yet didn't seem to know any KISS songs, went for a hike along cliffs, and had afternoon tea next to same said cliffs. The scenary is really beautiful on the Isle, everything you want and expect from the English countryside but enhanced because it is by the sea. It served to remind me that not far outside of the hustle and bustle of London, it's easy to find a place to escape. All around it was a solid weekend, and there are pictures! I know! Finally! Something to break up all these words.
I have been extremely nostalgic lately. I don't know what it is but more than once over the past couple of weeks have I scrolled through old Facebook posts, looked through old photos, remembered old friends with which I have lost touch, and I even tried to see if my old LiveJournal is still active. I'm pretty sure it's not, thank God, but it would have been interesting to read the thoughts of high school Kyle. I never was very good at keeping real paper journals but I do remember using LiveJournal for a while until my mother found out and made me get off. That was back when she was skeptical of social media, and way before she was queen of Facebook :) ....(she's going to hate that I wrote that).
I always like to think about how the decisions of my past have brought me to this point in my life. Obviously, no regrets, but it is interesting to think about what would have happened if I had chosen something different. A few examples of what I consider turning points in my life:
When I went from middle school to high school the scheduling also changed from block scheduling back to having all the classes in one day. This resulted in reducing the number of classes from 8 to 7 and I have to lose one of my electives and I was torn between dance and band. I mean, I remember agonizing over this decision for what felt like forever but was probably only one evening. This may seem like such an innocent decision but in high school it was huge because it pretty much determined who your friends would be and the groups were quite different. I chose to be a *self proclaimed* band nerd. All of my closest friends stem from that decision and it is funny to think that I was one choice sheet away from causing most of my favorite high school memories from never happening. Also, I never would have played lacrosse if I had been in dance because the only reason why I played lacrosse was to do something with exercise.
Mind blown. Lacrosse was such a big part of high school AND college that to imagine life without it....inconceivable!
Another decision was when I decided to go into engineering for my undergrad. This was never my plan, and in fact, when I first started looking at colleges, I thought I would do something in communications, public relations, whatever. However, when I told this to my physics teacher, Mrs. Willars, I distinctly remember that she stared me straight in the eye, shook her head, and said "No. You are going to be an engineer." And my reply? "Oh....well...... What are the best colleges for that?" And that was that. So I guess that wasn't really so much of a life changing "decision," but rather an "order," but she was right. I would have been terrible in PR.
And then there was that time after college when I had to chose between accepting a job offer from a dredging company or waiting to get a probable offer from an Austin company. I know that doesn't seem like much of a choice, because why would I have turned down a solid job offer in 2009, when there were hardly any job offers, with the hopes that I *might* get another one. At the time, I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave Austin. Also, I wasn't sure if I would like all of the traveling with GLDD, it seemed like a hectic life. And, what the hell is dredging?! Honestly, the best thing GLDD did to help me decide to work with them was to first reject me, and then send me a job offer a week later saying more positions had opened up. That little tease of rejection made me want to work there even more...I mean, who did they think they were, rejecting me?! (you better believe I rubbed that in my manager's face after 5 years when I was one of the only remaining hires from that summer still at the company). If I hadn't taken that job with GLDD, without a doubt, I would not be in London right now writing this blog. Here's a crazy thought, in some alternate universe there is a Kyle who stayed in Austin after college and never traveled the US or the world. I bet she has a dog though, that's a win.
And finally a look back on my latest decision and I think the root cause of all this recent nostalgia. As you all know, a little more than a year ago, I decided to quit my job and return to academia. And, a year from now, I will be re entering the workforce. Sure, I will have my newly printed master's degree in hand, but more than likely I will also be starting at a position very close to the bottom of the barrel wherever I am working. This is what I think about when I sometimes wonder if it was wise to come back to school. I am sure I could have found another job in the coastal engineering world or stayed put at GLDD and worked my way up the dredging ladder. In fact if I hadn't left to do my master's, I probably would either be studying for, or have just taken, the test to get my Professional Engineering License, and/or reaping the salary benefits as an upper management field employee. When I think about this, I often get anxious, which is strange for me because I have never been a person very preoccupied with my "career." To me, a career is just something that unfolds in the time between traveling, friends, and family. However, lately, as more and more people keep asking me "what do you plan on doing next year? where do you see yourself?" I find myself fretting about re entering the working world "behind" my peers. Not only that, but I have been chipping away steadily at my savings and I am sure after a year in London, it will be more that halved. In the uncertainty of today's economy, some may say that was hardly a wise decision. Yes, of course, I have learned things, but has it really been anything I wouldn't have learned through experience with a job? Probably not.
I honestly don't know where I am going with this train of thought, but it's just something that has been on my mind as of late. It's always unnerving when you look into the future and have no idea where or what you'll be doing and I think inevitably it makes you question the past. Or maybe that's just me. I find I learn a lot about myself when I think retrospectively. For example:
- I am impulsive
- I am often a hypocrite
- I am just as confused by life now as I was 10 years ago
- I like to pretend that all of the above things are not true
Maybe this last life decision wasn't the wisest career move, I guess in a year I will be able to reflect more accurately on its consequences. However, of one thing I am certain, this last year was one of my favorites ever. The experiences I have had and the people I have met I believe will influence and benefit me more in the future than the actual schooling. I am so lucky to know so many amazing people from so many different places. And while I know that there is no way I'll be able to nurture all of these relationships throughout the years to come because even in the age of Facebook, people lose touch, I am better off for having met them.